“I am not a brave woman” by Grace Ellice May
Poetry Pause is the League of Canadian Poets’ daily poetry dispatch. Read “I am not a brave woman” by Grace Ellice May.
I am not a brave woman
By Grace Ellice May
“Are you strong?” he asked.
“I have to be.’ I replied.
To be strong, one must be afraid of something.
For strength is an armor worn in defense against terror.
“What terrifies you?” he then asked.
Some things are better left undeclared.
I smiled. Then, I replied, “Nothing.”
I said, “God, perhaps. But, nothing else.”
Fear makes a liar out of a person.
Even so, weaknesses should never be exposed.
Never to a friend, an enemy, and even one’s self.
Otherwise we become the thing we fear the most.
I am not a brave woman.
For I have a pocketful of terrors.
Perhaps, more than that.
Two pockets, maybe.
Three? No, more than that
I have enough to keep me up at night.
I am a depressive-anxious insomniac
Nowhere close to recovering.
My night paranoia is a creation of my own doing.
I believe there is something lurking in the dark.
It is waiting to get me.
So, I stay awake to prevent being caught.
I cannot confess this others
I fear that I will be called ‘mad’.
But, I am not mad.
I am sick.
I’ve been sick for a while.
Perhaps, longer than that.
The sick one often fights to stay strong.
They fight, and fight, until there is no strength left.
I have never been brave.
The only thing I have ever done is caved.
I have only ever been a coward
Scared to live, and love.
Even scared to exist.
My existence is my greatest terror.
Yet, I still long to be a part of this world.
How does one fit in, in a place they do not belong?
Yet, I still long to be a part of this world.
I so desperately want to belong.
I need to belong
I have to.
If I risk standing out
Am I strong, or just alone?
I would like to someday put my armor away.
I don’t want to be strong all on my own.
Courage is something you need
If you have to face the world alone.
I am not brave. I do not want to be brave.
Yet, I have to be.
‘Tis a bold confession, isn’t it?
Copyright © Grace Ellice May
Grace Ellice May is a master creative seeking to build an artful life beyond facades and frivolous encounters. She uses her work as a writer and poet to inspire those wishing to lead a bold and authentic life for themselves and nurture their unique voice.
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